On my way home today, I had to walk past my dealer's lair. As you can imagine, there was a very strong temptation for me to just pop in there and kill time as I would normally do, but I'm proud to say, I fought the temptation.
The little devil on my shoulder kept whispering things like "you've done so well so far, a little toke wouldn't hurt. It doesn't mean you have to do it again". It wasn't easy ignoring it, but I'm glad I did. I'm home now and I'll keep myself busy.
Hopefully, I would have a smoke free day :)
Thursday, 1 September 2011
First Day on my mission to stop smoking weed
For the first time in a long time, I've gone a whole day without smoking.
My willpower is being tested and even as I write this now, I am still considering leaving work and going for a big fat one. But I made a deal with myself...
Before I go into the deal, it would be better to let you in on how I managed not to smoke for a whole day (and counting).
The day before yesterday, I went to my dealer and bought 6 wraps of weed (where I live, they're sold in wraps which individually cost about 50 cents). Usually, I won't smoke all of this in a sitting. My MO would be to smoke about 3 in one go and another 3 once my high starts abating.
However, this day was different. Firstly, when I bought the weed, I took a long walk far far into a site with abandoned building and I lit up and began smoking. I had smoked about 2 when I felt disgust with myself...I took stock of my life, a reasonably intelligent graduate (with two degrees), running into bushes, hiding in dirty places just to get high!. I felt like punishing myself...I was angry with myself and so I decided to smoke all the weed in one sitting. My reasoning was, if I got to be as high as I possibly could, maybe somehow, I would realise that the it wasn't worth it and I would finally stop smoking weed.
Alas, when I finished the entire six wraps (which included 3 wraps of high quality skunk), I still knew I wasn't done yet. And then that's when I made a stupidly brilliant decision. I was going to go back to my dealer and this time, buy 10 wraps of weed (6 medium grade marijuana and 4 high grade skunk) and smoke them all in one sitting.
In my entire 11 years of smoking, I have NEVER EVER smoked that much in one day talk less of in a single sitting, but I decided to punish myself and nothing was going to stop me from doing it. My rationale was that, I was going to make smoking something that wasn't pleasurable...I wanted to make smoking a chore, something I wanted to avoid instead of something I wanted to revel in.
So I bought the 10 wraps and walked down to this abandoned building in the middle of nowhere and began smoking. Half way through, I caught the fear...what if I died of an overdoes?, what if I went crazy from a sudden onset of schizoprenia...whay if, what if? NO! I told myself, I must sit down here and smoke.
It took me something like 3 hours to smoke 10 fat wraps of weed back to back and when I was done, I couldn't even move. I was so high, I lay down on the dirty floor like a hobo.
All of this added to the disgust I felt with myself and there and then I made the promise to myself...if I ever used my money to buy weed again, I would always buy it in double the amount I smoked the last time (so if I decided to smoke again, I would be buying 20 wraps and after that 40 wraps and so on) and I would punish myself by smoking it all in one sitting.
Mentally, I have reframed my relationship with marijuana. Before, it used to be something I could do quickly, leisurly. With this new promise I have made to myself, smoking weed is something that I can't do everyday because of a) the cost of buying so much at once b) the time it would take to smoke all that weed at once c) the fear I have of what would happen to me if I smoke so much.
Somehow, this is easier for me than just telling myself to quit because, I know that I can smoke whenever I choose to. However, I have placed conditions on my smoking that makes it harder for me to smoke anytime I choose.
So for the next few days when I have so much to do, I doubt I would have time to go through what I call my smoking ritual. But in the back of my mind, I think eventually I would again. But then I doubt smoking 20 wraps of weed would be a pleasurable experience, so...either way, I am mentally disengaging myself from the thought process that makes me believe that weed is something fun. I am creating an association in my mind with smoking and unpleasantness (the dirty building, the overhigness, the lonliness I feel when smoking alone etc). I am hoping that this unpleasnt association would overide the pleasant one and somehow cure me from my dependency.
If anyone wants to try this, what you need is:
1) A lot of weed (more weed than you have ever smoked in a sitting)
2) A place where you can be alone (a place of pennace)
3) A lot of time
4)An enviroment that is not fun
It might not work for everyone (I am not even sure it has worked for me) but what I know is that I have gone a whole day and a half without smoking...something I haven't done in years. I would keep you all updated on my progress.
My willpower is being tested and even as I write this now, I am still considering leaving work and going for a big fat one. But I made a deal with myself...
Before I go into the deal, it would be better to let you in on how I managed not to smoke for a whole day (and counting).
The day before yesterday, I went to my dealer and bought 6 wraps of weed (where I live, they're sold in wraps which individually cost about 50 cents). Usually, I won't smoke all of this in a sitting. My MO would be to smoke about 3 in one go and another 3 once my high starts abating.
However, this day was different. Firstly, when I bought the weed, I took a long walk far far into a site with abandoned building and I lit up and began smoking. I had smoked about 2 when I felt disgust with myself...I took stock of my life, a reasonably intelligent graduate (with two degrees), running into bushes, hiding in dirty places just to get high!. I felt like punishing myself...I was angry with myself and so I decided to smoke all the weed in one sitting. My reasoning was, if I got to be as high as I possibly could, maybe somehow, I would realise that the it wasn't worth it and I would finally stop smoking weed.
Alas, when I finished the entire six wraps (which included 3 wraps of high quality skunk), I still knew I wasn't done yet. And then that's when I made a stupidly brilliant decision. I was going to go back to my dealer and this time, buy 10 wraps of weed (6 medium grade marijuana and 4 high grade skunk) and smoke them all in one sitting.
In my entire 11 years of smoking, I have NEVER EVER smoked that much in one day talk less of in a single sitting, but I decided to punish myself and nothing was going to stop me from doing it. My rationale was that, I was going to make smoking something that wasn't pleasurable...I wanted to make smoking a chore, something I wanted to avoid instead of something I wanted to revel in.
So I bought the 10 wraps and walked down to this abandoned building in the middle of nowhere and began smoking. Half way through, I caught the fear...what if I died of an overdoes?, what if I went crazy from a sudden onset of schizoprenia...whay if, what if? NO! I told myself, I must sit down here and smoke.
It took me something like 3 hours to smoke 10 fat wraps of weed back to back and when I was done, I couldn't even move. I was so high, I lay down on the dirty floor like a hobo.
All of this added to the disgust I felt with myself and there and then I made the promise to myself...if I ever used my money to buy weed again, I would always buy it in double the amount I smoked the last time (so if I decided to smoke again, I would be buying 20 wraps and after that 40 wraps and so on) and I would punish myself by smoking it all in one sitting.
Mentally, I have reframed my relationship with marijuana. Before, it used to be something I could do quickly, leisurly. With this new promise I have made to myself, smoking weed is something that I can't do everyday because of a) the cost of buying so much at once b) the time it would take to smoke all that weed at once c) the fear I have of what would happen to me if I smoke so much.
Somehow, this is easier for me than just telling myself to quit because, I know that I can smoke whenever I choose to. However, I have placed conditions on my smoking that makes it harder for me to smoke anytime I choose.
So for the next few days when I have so much to do, I doubt I would have time to go through what I call my smoking ritual. But in the back of my mind, I think eventually I would again. But then I doubt smoking 20 wraps of weed would be a pleasurable experience, so...either way, I am mentally disengaging myself from the thought process that makes me believe that weed is something fun. I am creating an association in my mind with smoking and unpleasantness (the dirty building, the overhigness, the lonliness I feel when smoking alone etc). I am hoping that this unpleasnt association would overide the pleasant one and somehow cure me from my dependency.
If anyone wants to try this, what you need is:
1) A lot of weed (more weed than you have ever smoked in a sitting)
2) A place where you can be alone (a place of pennace)
3) A lot of time
4)An enviroment that is not fun
It might not work for everyone (I am not even sure it has worked for me) but what I know is that I have gone a whole day and a half without smoking...something I haven't done in years. I would keep you all updated on my progress.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Preamble
Although I have never smoked ciggaretes and I am only a social drinker,I've smoked weed pretty much constantly for the past 11 years.I can't believe it's been so long but it is apparent to me now that smoking continually like this is unsustainable and I need to find a way to stop smoking weed.
I was 15 when I had my first expereince. I wasn't lured into it or anything like that, rather it was something I willingly partook in. My elder brother (who I looked up to) and all his cool friends had smoked weed in my presence for many years and gradually, it became less of a taboo to me and instead something "cool" to join in.
Funny enough, my first expereince of smoking weed was very negative. I got the fear badly! I had to be rushed to the hospital because my heart was beating so fast my family thought I was suffering from some sort of heart disease. It was such a scary experience I promised myself never to smoke again...
But I broke my promise to myself....very soon, my 15 year old self was hiding in abandoned buildings getting high with my friends. Fast forward to 11 years, I have graduated from University, gained a masters degree and recently found employment in my first full time job. A lot of things have changed in my life, but the one remaining constant has been my constant intake of Marijuana.
I was high through out my lectures, I was high when I wrote both my dissertations (the marijuana did not seem to have an adverse effect on my written work), I've been high through graduations, interviews, funerals, birthdays etc.
I look at myself now and it is harder to convince myself that I am not an addict. More importantly, I look at the negative effect that smoking weed has on me and the potential consequences of being a pot head and I have to find a way to stop smoking weed.
I work in a consultancy, a job that requires attention to detail, and I find that smoking weed is adversly impacting the level of my work. I find myself making sure I wake up extra early to leave my house (as I can not smoke weed at home), so I could meet my dealer for an hour of smoking before work. I usually remain high till about 3-4 pm and once I finish work, I go straight to the dealer for my evening round.
The worst part of my habit is that it takes alot of my time. For example, if my boss wants a report by 9am, I would STILL stop by at my dealers place as this ALWAYS seems to be my first priority. I have missed buses, appointments and deadlines just because I was getting high and I am usually left scrambling to make the time up and in the process I come up with ridicolous excuses on why I couldn't meet my engagement.
At 26, on the onset of what I hope would be a productive career, I am worried that I would destroy something great, because of impulses that I am to weak to fight. So I have resolved to fight it with every tactic I can muster.
This blog would document my fight against my addiction and hopefully, it would act as a free resource to people like me who enjoy a smoke but are increasingly caught in a cycle of addiction.
Please feel free to comment with your own experiences.
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